One foot in front or the other

As I sit here in bed one week before my third marathon I am reflecting on my journeys in life. I can distinctively break them down into three parts, pre divorce, divorce and post divorce.

Journey #1 : Pre Divorce

I started my running journey in 2010 the week I found out my mother was sick. I didn't know what to do and felt so helpless being so far away. All I could do was put on shoes and run. I discovered running cleared my head and I could flush all those bad thoughts out of my head and focus on things. I could clearly think when I would talk to her, I could be brave and strong for her when she would cry to me. I felt like it was my time to be her solid rock as she had done for me for so many years. She was fighting for her life and in my mind doing something so hard I could not image what she was going thru physically and mentally. So I choose to run a marathon in her honor. This was a difficult task I trained hard ran just about every day. I was told many times by my ex husband that I was crazy to do this, what was I thinking and that I would never finish.  This light a fire inside me, if my mother can face cancer and fight for her life then I ran run 26.2 miles every step of the way and finish with my head held high. And so I did. It was one of my hardest journeys that I had taken and will all the negativity that was voiced to me during my months of training I beat all those odds. I came thru victoriously  and I did it all on my own.

This medal represents journey number one in my life.  To me this says no matter what people say to you no matter how you feel, if you believe and fight for yourself you can do anything you set your mind to. It may not be an easy path and there may be times you want to throw in your towel and call it quits but if you keep your head held high and fight for what you want, you will finish and you will come out victoriously. This is journey number one.

  

Journey #2: Divorce
 



Marathon number two  represents the time in my life during my divorce.  Not only was this the highlight of my running career is was also was the blackest and darkest time. I keeping running and ran harder than I had ever done. I ran from the tears, anger, betrayal, the physical and emotional actions, I ran to free myself of a world of hurt. Running gave me freedom a second belief that I am better than words say I am.

Physically I was in the best running shape of my life, mentally it was the darkest time. Even will all the PR's, age placements, awards, medal after medal and all the distances I covered, no matter how far I ran or how hard I ran the darkness still crept in until it finally too over me. This was now my hardest journey I had to take.

I battled with the dark daemons that crept into my life and took away my running. The darkness wanted me to give up and give into their commands, and I thought about taking the easy way out and not fighting for my life and realizing this is all life has to offer, nothing better nothing worse, this is it and accept it, to turn around and go back to the life I had, but somehow I found strength from somewhere deep inside me and to keep moving forward. I have no clue how I kept moving forward but I did. I fought for my freedom and I fought for my life.

 

This medal represents no matter how hard my journey was I dug deep down inside and found an inner strength I did not know I had. I kept placing one foot in front of the other one by one and kept moving forward. No matter how slow or how fast I was, I was still moving forward, never looking back. Eventually I came to the light at the end of the tunnel and I felt changed and look at the world with a fresh pair of eyes and now know that I can never be hurt or taken over again.

Journey #3 : Post Divorce

This year marks my third full marathon.  Training this year has been tough. The darkness took over me for six months and I stopped running. When I decided that darkness could no longer take me I fought back, I laced up my shoes and I began to run again. Making a come back to running has been a tough journey  for me. My mind remembers where I was physically a year ago, but my body will not respond to the commands. This makes me frustrated and angry, because there is no one to blame but myself.

I have been struggling with a fracture right heal, plantar fasciitis, and a strained muscle in my back. This year physically has been the toughest running year. However, it is not the hardest journey I have had to make. This year I fully feel like I am running solely for me. I am not running for Mom, I am not running to get away from the darkness, I am not running to get away from hurtful words, I am ruining towards me.

This medal will represents the me I have become, the me I knew I could be. Sure I could have taken the easy way out, there were countless opportunities, but I needed to stay put I needed to face the hurt, I needed to go thru hell and back so I could be a better and stronger person. Now, I know that I may not make the time I got last year, but I was running away from a lot of problems. I know I can cover the distance and I know it will be painful, but I know this is not the toughest journey I will take, I know that I am strong enough to do this and no matter how much physical pain will be endured I know that the moment I cross the finish line I know I will have made it.








I want to thank all of you that have supported me throughout the years.

To Jen, Mike and Allen you guys have been my fill-in family and have been there in my darkest hours but you never lost faith in me. And Mike, I will be there to see you do your first full marathon, you can do it!

To Diana by your strength you gave me strength and I am so happy to see you have found a special person in your life, we both came from similar situations and your strength gave me hope that there is life after divorce.

To Kimmy you are my forever running partner you are my person thank you for covering this journey with me thru the miles and always being there when I needed you. 

Charlotte, you are my native sister and we are bonded thru it all, even after all the crap we have been thru we are the last two standing.

To Mike, thank you for always standing by my side always holding my hand always helping me see clearly when I could not see. Helping me believe in myself always encouraging to pursue my dreams and supporting them. You helped bring me back, you have been my rock.

And mostly to my Mom, Dad, Nick and Carmen (my mija) without you I don't think I could have taken the bull by the horns and come out victoriously you were always first in line when I felt so lost. You let me figure it out on my own, you stood aside when I said I needed to do this on my own and make my journey.  Even though you offered your hands to try and pull me out, thank you but I had to do it alone and I did and I am so much stronger, but I really couldn't have done it with out you standing on the sidelines just in case.

All of you have special places in my heart and will forever be there. Thank you. And next weekend I will run for me,  for the new found freedom, new view on life, new since of self  and mostly because I can and I will finish that race all the miles all the good ones and tough ones step by step one foot in front or the other.... 


"I run in the snow, rain, wind and heat. I run until I cannot run anymore then I run some more. I run thru the blur of tears, the aches and pains and then I keep going. I have more running clothes than some running stores, I know Fartklet does not mean like it sounds. I go to bed at 9pm; I get up early just to do it all over again. Why do I do this? Because I am a runner and that's who I am"

Addictions lead to withdrawls

I made a decision to take a few days of from my running and let my legs heal.  My left shin has been giving me a little trouble when I am running down hill, so I figured a few days off from running would do me some good. 

Like an addict, when you don't feed your addiction you get withdrawals.  All you think about is when you will get your next fix.  So as I am sitting here on the couch, I am getting the antsy feeling and all I can think about is:

When can I run again? I need just a little run, just a little something to get me thru the week.   I could go out for a two mile quickie no one would know

Truth is I WOULD KNOW!  My shin would remind me about a mile in that I should be resting it. If my shin could talk I am sure it would say something along the lines of "hey stupid we need to rest take us home!"

So instead I am surfing around on the net looking at shoes, races, training exercises and then I came across something that looked rather intriguing.  I think this would grab some attention :)

These flashy leave nothing to the eye tights are made by Black Milk and cost $75 plus S&H, but regular running tights rum about the same price.   I noticed on the web sit that when things are sold out they are "gone forever" so I wouldn't want to wait too long. With summer right around the corner, I am not sure how many more times I would be able to wear these, but it sure would be a lot of fun! Perhaps at the next hash or the Denver Marathon!

How about you?  Do you have any "flashy" fun running clothes that make you stand out?  If so what are they?

”I run in the snow, rain, wind and heat. I run until I cannot run anymore then I run some more. I run thru the blur of tears, the aches and pains and then I keep going. I have more running clothes than some running stores, I know Fartklet does not mean like it sounds. I go to bed at 9pm; I get up early just to do it all over again. Why do I do this? Because I am a runner and that's who I am"

2012 Race Schedule

Today I was asked if I have my race schedule posted.  I thought I had posted it, but after reading my post  The Year Of... I realized that I never narrowed down my goals for the year. It looks to be a busy year this year.

January:
14th - Winter Series Race #1 Cheyenne Mountain State Park (3.3 Mile)
28th - Winter Series Race #2 El Pomar Youth Sports Park (4 Mile)

February:
4th - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
5th - Super Bowl 5K
11th - Winter Series Race #3 Santa Fe Trail @ Baptist Road (5 Mile)
25th - Winter Series Race #4 Black Forest (10K)

March:
3rd - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
17th - 5K on Saint Partick's Day (1/4 of The Grand Prix)

April:
7th - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
14th - Villa Sprint Triathlon (Swim 200 meters, Bike 10 Miles, Run 5K)

May:
5th - Take 5 in the Garden 5K (2/4 of The Grand Prix)
28th - Bolder Boulder (10K)

June:
2nd - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
16th - Sailin' Shoes 5K (3/4 of The Grand Prix)
23rd - San Lorenzo River Half Marathon Trail Run (13 Miles)

July:
7th - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
21st - Classic 10K (3/4 of The Grand Prix)

August:
4th - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
11th - Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon (13 Miles)

September:
1st - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
22nd - Denver Rock and Roll Marathon (26.2 Miles)

October:
6th - 5K Great Pumpkin Race (4/4 of The Grand Prix)

November:
3rd - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)

December:
1st - Nielson Challenge (2 Mile)
So this year is winding up to be rather busy, and I am finding that I am trying to sneak in a few extra races here and there.  I will use a lot of my other races as training runs for my big ones.

”I run in the snow, rain, wind and heat. I run until I cannot run anymore then I run some more. I run thru the blur of tears, the aches and pains and then I keep going. I have more running clothes than some running stores, I know Fartklet does not mean like it sounds. I go to bed at 9pm; I get up early just to do it all over again. Why do I do this? Because I am a runner and that's who I am"

The Year Of...

At the end of the year I tend to drive myself crazy and think about what I did or did not accomplish over the year. For once I feel really good about what I have done this year! I am not a one to set a "New Year's Resolution" mostly because I can never stick to all the things I set out to do (eat better, drink less, cross train more, build a bigger nest egg).

One thing that I can follow thru with is my training schedule. Right now I am focused on planning out my race schedule for next year. I have a few ideas on the docket but I am not sure where this years road will lead me. I have thought about adding trail running.
Here is what last years schedule panned out to be:

March 12, 2011: Saint Patrick's 5K (1/5 of the Grand Prix)
May 7, 2011: Take 5 in the Garden (2/5 of the Grand Prix)
May 23, 2011: 100th Bay to Breakers in San Fransisco
June 18, 2011: Sailin' Shoes 5K (3/5 of the Grand Prix)
July 16, 2011: Alex Hoag Run for Sunshine 5K (came in 7th for my age group)
July 23, 2011: Classic 10K (4/5 of the Grand Prix)
August 13, 2011: Starlight 5k at the AFA
October 1, 2011: Great Pumpkin 5k run (5/5 of the Grand Prix)
October 9, 2011: Denver Rock and Roll Marathon
December 3, 2011: Rock Canyon Half Marathon

Last year turned out to be busier than I thought it would be. I had only planned to do the Grand Prix and the Bay to Breakers, but the "bug" bit me and I kept going. This next year I have planned just a few races:
Grand Prix of Running (Short Series May-October)
Sprint Triathlon (April 2012)
Bolder Boulder 10K (May 28, 2012)
Georgetown to Idaho Springs (August 11, 2012)

I know that I want to do another Marathon in there somewhere. Denver sounds good to do again, but then there is the Xterra Marathon, which would get me trail running, but again no to thrilled about it. I would love to do the Colorado Marathon, but $250 for an entry fee is a little steep! There is the Big Sur Half Marathon which I could stay at my parents so I would just have to pay for a flight. But as you can see I already have a bit on my plate, and I should see what falls on it next.

What are your race goals/schedule for 2012?

Do you like to make "New Year's Resolutions"?

Miracles Do Happen Every Now & Then

I generally don't blog much about my Mom and her condition.  Mostly because I don't want to give incorrect information and also, if I write it, that means it is real.  However, today is an exception.

I have been hesitant to write this blog and have been sitting on it since early October.  I thought about how to write this and believe in what I am saying.  Perhaps this will help me believe that this is real, and miracles can happen.  We have been given so many bad answers, when something is good happens, it is hard to believe that it is real.

But first the history.....


May 2010
Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Esophageal Cancer (EC) and would have to undergo triple round chemo for six months. This means she would be taking chemo pills two times a day and every few weeks she would get a chemo transfusion. The oncologist advised the family that Mom would get very sick, very fast.....and she did.



December 2010
I made the trip back to California for Christmas, because I didn't know where this roller coaster was going to take us. If I didn't and something happened to her I would never be able to forgive myself for not making the time to be with her. When our plan landed in SJO I was so nervous I though that I would throw up!  I had not seen her since May and not knowing what she would look like scared me. I would not let her see that I was scared or worried. I felt that I needed  to be strong for her. She had been strong for our family at the hard times and we needed to be strong for her.  She had just finished her six months of Chemo and had gotten the news that even with all they had done, she was still not a candidate for surgery and every three months they would monitor her tumor(s) with Positron Emission Tomography Scans (P.E.T.). 

March 2011
Three month check up went well.  The P.E.T. scan showed that the tumor(s) had not spread, grown or shrunk.  She was still not a candidate and that things were still just "statis quo".  Mom was regaining her strength and had returned to work. She works at an Elementary School with children that have special needs.

June 2011
With the one year mark behind us, things started to return to normal. Mom was getting stronger and with summer on the way things started to look brighter.  In May, I flew out to San Jose, to celebrate her birthday with diner at her favorite restaurant in San Fransisco. To commemorate her one year mark, I ran the Bay to Breakers in her honor.

October 2011

I had just gotten news two days before my Marathon that her third three month check up brought back new results.  The P.E.T. scan showed the tumor(s) were not prevalent. This means that when she was injected intravenously with contrast, the tumor(s) would "glow".  In her case, there were no masses glowing on her scan. So a few weeks later she was scheduled for an endoscope . The endoscope results showed that her esophagus was inflamed and that there are a few lesions.  She needed to go on medication for a few weeks to help her esophagus become uninflamed and then the endoscope would be repeated.

December 2011

Six weeks passed and the endoscope was repeated.  Her results showed that there was no cancer.  Yes you read that right, there is NO cancer! However results show that Barrett's Disease is present.  This is not a life of death disease, but this does mean that she will need to be aware of what she eats as not to inflame her esophagus.  At this time, she will continue to get P.E.T scans every three to four months and endoscope's biannually.

My opening for this blog reads:

If you have cancer, if someone you love has it, even if you are a grunt like me-it's a long march. It's not going to be over in a day. During the toughest miles, you find out you're all alone, but at the same time, you feel incredibly connected. You learn that you're capable of doing things you never could have imagined. Running makes you try, in it's way, cancer makes you try too.

Running makes you try, makes you fight thru the pain, teaches you not to give up, pushes your body to its limits, but most of all it makes me feel connected to Mom.  She is half of me and when I run I can feel her pumping thru my veins, so I feel like she is with me.  Mom and I reached our destinations that we set out to do.  Her's to kick Cancers Ass and mine, to finish the Marathon. It was not easy and it was hard, sometimes you feel alone and lost, but somewhere deep down inside of you, "it" finds you.  "It" gives you strength when you have none, gives you courage when you are scared, and when you need it most, "it" is there. We all have it, but only when you are pushed to your limits is when you will find it. It's then you realize that you have done something that you never thought you could do.

Marathon Recaps

As I walked around Boulder Running Company looking for a pair of running sleeves to help keep me warm on my first Marathon I saw I magnet that jumped out at me it said "Marathon Freak" I giggled and thought to myself, it should really read "freak marathon". You know six months ago when I started to look at Marathons and wanted to get this off my "bucket list" I thought at the time I can do this. However as the days drew closer, I started to re-evaluate my "great idea" My mind started to get consumed with thoughts of

"am I eating properly, am I drinking enough, will I make the distance..."

To help prepare I started to drink ridiculous amounts of water which has the wonderful return effect of having to make it to restroom every 30 minutes and waking up in the middle of the night with an ever full bladder. I started to carb load, which I was not so happy with. There once was a day that I loved to consume carbs and looked forward to the weekly plate of pasta. With my diet change having to eat REAL carbs was not as appealing as it once was.

I had read an article that said that I should not be surprised that I would be putting on about 4 additional pounds prior to the race due to the carb load and the water intake. All I could think of was that means more weight, so that means there is a potential that I would run slower. The idea of having a slower time bothered me more than the weight gain?!?!

Saturday rolled around and I got ready to head out to Denver. I walked around the expo and picked up all the goodies, met Dan Evens from season five's Biggest Loser. That was an inspiration to see his before picture and see him now. I picked up a few more goodies then headed to the hotel to get checked in. I dropped all my gear and left to get to Maggiano's for dinner.
 

Maggiano's was special to me since I have one is San Jose, and I have many significant memories there so to me it only felt fitting to have dinner there. You would have thought that after a big plate of pasta, glass of wine and 45 minutes in the hot tub I would be ready to sleep soundly.

I laid out my outfit packed my belt with my phone, ID, four gel packs, and some lemon heads. I carefully pined on my number and my sign that I made for my Mom. I wanted everyone to know why I was running. Even with all the preparation I couldn't sleep well. I kept thinking about how far I was about run and how hard it was going to be. I rolled over to look at the clock and it only said 11pm! Eventually I fell asleep and the alarm came quickly! I POPED out of bed and dashed for the fridge. I knew I had to get food in my stomach quickly so I wouldn't get the STICH that would make me start walking.


I walked to the gear check and over to the start line, with one last deep breath I headed out to the masses to get ready to start my long journey.  I was nervous and excited at the same time. I always get a little teary eyed right before I start because I always feel Mom with me right before I start and I say a silent prayer to myself "Mom, this is for you.. please lord please give me the strength to carry me through the toughest times and when I feel alone and ready to give up give me strength to keep going"

The buzzer goes off and we slowly start heading down the street. I thought to myself, wow I am doing this, there is no turning back now. Just me and the road. I ended up syncing up with a fellow marathoner with the same pace and stopped every few mile to stop and take pictures along the way.

Louie helped me out by stopping and taking some pictures with me. I was really glad that he insisted that I capture my journey. Thank you Louie! Here I am at 15k. I was in such great sprits little did I know how far I really had left :)

This was right before my STICH hit me, at this time I was running low on energy so I pumped in a GU, and I regret that. That wall was coming my body started to use up all it had stored. At this time I wished I was overweight. I started to wonder if I was going to finish. My feet started to hurt. Walking hurt more than running so I switched to a very slow jog.

I was so tired when we hit this spot. I kind of look like striper that has had a long night and working her way down the pole. That wall was creeping up on me. I had slowed down in Gel intake, because that awful STICH crept up on me between 30k and 35k. I ate a banana and a GU, then I felt better and was in the way to the finish!

I was so happy to cross that finish line.  One of the volunteers who was medaling runners was a fellow marathoner  and friend and who had my medal. To me it was significant, because he has known me over the years and to have someone who has seen you go through your life altering journey and that person is the who gives your medal instead of a stranger, is special.  Thank you Roger for waiting for my slow ass to get in!

Everyone told me I would break down when I crossed the finish line, but one thing the road and I will know, and you that follow me. Is that I did break down; I cried at mile 23. People were yelling at me

"Go you can do it, you're almost there, do it for Mom"

It gave me that push I needed to finish.  At that time is when I realized that I have done it, I pounded out 26.2 miles and I was going to finish it. I am going to be in the 1% of the world population that has completed a Marathon.  When I hit 26 after that it was all mine and I ran it out with perfect form and happiness. Everyone who waited at the rail gave me high five's on the way in. I could see Roger with his hands held high and I fist pumped my whole way in!

I know he said some kind words to me, but I was so pumped with adrenaline, I couldn't tell you a word he said. I remember something like you did it. I was a little discombobulated at this point.

Do I recommend Marathons to others, no not really I think we all find our own path and if it happens to lead you to a Marathon, than that is great I will be there to encourage you along the way. I can say finishing a Marathon is an experience that I will never forget. The pride that comes with it and the bragging rights feels empowering! Thank you all for following me and giving me advice when I needed it. Who knows what's next but this I tell you. Even with all the pain I have I am already thinking of when I will do this next.

These are my split, I am overall happy with my times!

How Do You Train?

A friend of mine asked me the other day,

"How do you train for your marathon?  I can't even begin to imagine how to do it"

I know she reads my blog so instead of repeating myself, I thought I would post my training regiment.  So, Linda, here you go:

Week 3 - I was sick

Week 10 - I was in Nebraska

I am now on my last few weeks, and I am feeling okay. I know that I could tackle a Half Marathon, easily however it's that other half that I am feeling unsure.  There is no doubt that I won't finish the race, but I defiantly think this will be one of the harder things that I am going to do.

The practice runs have been good for me to guage what I need.  I know that I need some type or sugar about every 40 minutes, if I go longer my sugar levels start to drop and I start to get weak and light headed also, the recovery takes to longer.  In my utility belt, I plan to carry one bottle with water, the other bottle with a Gatorade, or some other type of sports drink.  I also plan to carry a few gel packs or sports beans in my pack.  People who have done this race have told me that there are plenty of aid stations.  I do not always like to rely on aid stations, I like to have my stuff on me when I need it.  I have also been told that Ibuprofen will be my BFF.  So, check got that.  I have no clue what the weather will be like in Denver the day of the run, but the expo I am sure will have all that I need.